Onward Tip: Journaling During Divorce Contemplation
- Be kind to yourself: Don’t judge your emotions or thoughts. This is a time of uncertainty, and it’s okay to feel conflicted.
- Make it a routine: Journaling regularly can give you an ongoing outlet to process emotions and reflect on your thoughts. Even 10-15 minutes a day can be helpful.
- Explore different formats: If writing isn’t your style, try bullet points, poetry, or drawing—whatever feels most natural.
- Read back your entries: After some time, look back at what you’ve written. It may give you new insights into how you’re changing, growing, and processing your emotions.
Here are some journaling exercises tailored for someone who is considering or going through a divorce:
a). The Emotional Landscape Exercise
Goal: To understand and process your current emotions.
Prompt
- “What emotions am I feeling right now in relation to my marriage and the idea of divorce? Try to identify at least 5 emotions (e.g., anger, guilt, relief, fear, sadness, confusion, etc.).”
- “How do these emotions feel in my body? Where do I feel tension or discomfort?”
- “Are these emotions coming from past experiences, present events, or future concerns?”
Reflection:
This exercise can help you separate out the different feelings you’re experiencing. It’s common to feel a mixture of emotions and writing them down can help you understand what’s motivating your decision or keeping you stuck.
b). The Decision-Making Pros and Cons
Goal: To weigh the factors for and against divorce in a structured way.
Prompt
- “What are the reasons I am considering divorce? What are the things that are making me hesitate or question this decision?”
- Create two columns:
- One side for the Pros of divorce (e.g., freedom, emotional relief, growth potential).
- The other for the Cons of divorce (e.g., fear of loneliness, financial strain, children’s well-being).
- “Which side feels heavier to me right now, and why?”
Reflection:
This exercise can help you assess the practical, emotional, and personal aspects of your decision. You may find that the list evolves over time, and that’s okay—it’s part of the process of clarity.
c). Writing to Your Future Self
Goal: To envision life after divorce and explore your hopes and fears.
Prompt
- “Dear Future Me,
I’m writing to you from the midst of this difficult time, and I’m unsure where this path will lead. I wonder what my life will look like in 1 year, 3 years, or 5 years after the divorce. What have I learned? What strengths have I developed? What has changed in my emotional or physical well-being?” - “What are my hopes for the next phase of my life?”
- “What fears do I have about the future, and how might I face those fears?”
Reflection:
Writing to your future self allows you to express both your hopes and anxieties in a way that helps you gain perspective. It’s a way to remember that, while the process is tough now, things can change and grow in ways you may not be able to predict yet.
d). Exploring the "Why" of Your Marriage
Goal: To reflect on what brought you together and what changed over time.
Prompt
- “What initially drew me to my spouse? What qualities did I admire most about them when we first met?”
- “What moments or experiences in our relationship felt fulfilling and joyful? When did those moments start to fade?”
- “What do I believe has changed in our relationship? Are these changes reversible, or are they a sign of deeper incompatibility?”
- “If I could go back in time, would I choose the same partner? Why or why not?”
Reflection:
This exercise helps you understand the trajectory of your relationship, from the initial connection to where things stand now. It can be difficult but insightful to acknowledge both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship. It can help clarify whether you’re making this decision out of temporary frustration or due to long-standing issues.
e). Exploring Personal Growth and Identity
Goal: To reconnect with who you are outside of the marriage.
Prompt
- “Who am I outside of this relationship? What have I put on hold or sacrificed for the sake of the marriage?”
- “What are my personal dreams, goals, and passions that I’ve neglected or set aside? How do I envision myself pursuing them in the future?”
- “How do I want to grow as a person through this process, whether I stay or leave?”
- “What do I need in order to feel whole and fulfilled, both in a relationship and as an individual?”
Reflection:
This journaling exercise helps you reconnect with your identity and aspirations, which is particularly important when considering divorce. It’s easy to lose yourself in a marriage, especially one that may not be fulfilling, and this exercise can remind you of your inherent worth and what you’re capable of achieving on your own.
f). Letter to Your Spouse (Unsent)
Goal: To express thoughts, emotions, and frustrations that may be difficult to voice directly.
Prompt
- “If I could write a letter to my spouse without fear of judgment or conflict, what would I say? What do I need them to understand about how I’m feeling right now?”
- “What regrets do I have about the relationship? What am I thankful for, despite the challenges?”
- “What do I wish could change? Is that change possible, or is it something I need to accept?”
Reflection:
Writing a letter to your spouse (even if you never send it) can help release pent-up emotions, clarify your needs, and organize your thoughts. Sometimes, expressing things you’re unable to say face-to-face can bring emotional relief and clarity.
g). The Fear vs. Reality Exercise
Goal: To challenge your fears and explore the likelihood of those fears coming true.
Prompt
- “What am I most afraid of when it comes to divorce? (e.g., being alone, financial instability, hurting my children, regret, etc.)”
- “How realistic are these fears? What evidence do I have that supports or challenges them?”
- “What steps can I take to address these fears and reduce their impact on my life?”
Reflection:
This exercise helps you distinguish between exaggerated fears and more grounded realities. It’s a way to identify the core concerns that are influencing your thoughts and emotions, and it empowers you to take practical steps to manage them.
h). Gratitude in the Midst of Pain
Goal: To acknowledge the good, even when things feel difficult.
Prompt
- “What aspects of my marriage or relationship am I grateful for, even in this painful time?”
- “How has my spouse helped me grow, and what lessons have I learned from this relationship?”
- “What are some positive things I can take away from this experience, no matter how the relationship ends?”
Reflection:
Focusing on gratitude, even in challenging times, helps to reframe the narrative around your relationship and promotes emotional healing. It can also help you appreciate the positive things you learned from the marriage, even if it is ending.