Addressing Your Children’s Reactions to News of Your Divorce
Telling your children about your divorce can be one of the most difficult conversations you’ll face as a parent. It’s crucial to approach this discussion with empathy, careful planning, and clear communication to help them process the news and feel supported. The way you deliver this information can significantly influence their initial reactions and set the stage for how they adjust to the transition. Children value reassurance, unconditional love, emotional validation, honesty, and encouragement to express their feelings.
Age-Specific Guidance:
When talking to children about divorce, their age and developmental stage should guide how you approach the conversation and respond to their reactions. Here are some age-specific considerations along with general supportive statements:
- Young Children (Ages 3-6): Children in this age group may struggle to grasp the concept of divorce fully and may fear changes to their daily routine. Emphasize reassurance and stability by using simple language. Reiterate that both parents love them and will continue to be there for them.
- School-Age Children (Ages 7-12): Children at this age may have more questions and worries about how the divorce will affect their lives. They might feel sad, angry, or even blame themselves. Be honest, open, and provide clear answers to their questions, while reinforcing that the divorce is not their fault.
- Teenagers (Ages 13-18): Teens may understand more of the complexities involved and may react with anger, frustration, or withdrawal. They may need space but also reassurance that their emotions are valid. Encourage open dialogue and let them know that you are available to talk whenever they are ready.
Regardless of age, children need to feel heard, loved, and reassured during this difficult time. Be patient, open, and consistent in your support, allowing them to process their emotions at their own pace.
To help you prepare for potential reactions from your children, Onward’s team of experts has created sample phrases tailored for different age groups. Each statement has been placed in the age bracket where it will have the most meaningful impact, but there is some overlap, as many of these supportive messages are helpful across different age ranges.
Young Children (Ages 3-6)
Reassurance and Stability:
- “Mom and Dad both love you very much, and that won’t ever change. This decision is just between us as parents, not because of anything you did.”
- “We know this is a big change and may be hard to understand, but we’re here to support you every step of the way.”“It’s normal to feel a bit worried, but we are both still here for you. We’re working to make sure you feel safe and loved no matter what.”
- “Some things will change, but you can count on our love for you always staying the same.
School-Age Children (Ages 7-12)
Providing Honest Information and Emotional Support:
- “We know this is a big change and may be hard to understand, but we’re here to support you every step of the way.”
- “Mom and Dad both love you very much, and that won’t ever change. This decision is just between us as parents, not because of anything you did.”
- “We know you probably have a lot of questions. We may not have all the answers right now, but we’ll be open and honest with you about everything.”
- “It’s okay to feel however you feel—this is a big change, and we’re here to listen whenever you want to talk about it.”
- “Even though Mom and Dad won’t be together in the same way, we’re still a family, and we will both always be here to support you.”
- “If there’s ever a time you want to talk about how you’re feeling, or if something feels hard, please come to us. We’ll work through this together.”
Teenagers (Ages 13-18)
Encouraging Open Dialogue and Validating Emotions:
- We know you probably have a lot of questions. We may not have all the answers right now, but we’ll be open and honest with you about everything.”
- “It’s okay to feel however you feel—this is a big change, and we’re here to listen whenever you want to talk about it.”
- “I know this news might feel unfair, and you might feel mad at both of us. That’s a normal feeling, and I’m here to talk through it whenever you want.”
- “If you want to talk about your feelings or even yell or cry, that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel all of it, and I’m here to help you work through it.”
- “You don’t have to be okay with this right away. I’ll be here as long as it takes, and I’ll keep supporting you however you need.”
- “If you’re angry, that’s okay. You can let me know how you’re feeling whenever you’re ready, and I’ll listen without judgment.”
Different Settings to Share Your Decision to Divorce with Your Children:
- In-Person Conversation
Share the news privately and in-person, ideally with both parents present and in agreement on what to say. You can convey your thoughts through conversation or read a prepared statement to ensure clarity and consistency. - Involve a Therapist
If your children are already seeing a therapist or if you feel professional support is beneficial, consider sharing the news in the presence of the therapist. This setting can provide emotional safety and allow the therapist to help guide the conversation and support your children’s reactions. - Supported Conversation with Friends or Family
If appropriate, you can share the news with trusted friends or family members present for support. Having familiar, supportive adults nearby can provide your children with additional comfort and reassurance during the conversation.