Onward Tip: Getting Stuck in Patterns
Finding yourself in a cycle of dating the same type of person, despite wanting something different? You might start a new relationship with high hopes, only to realize it feels eerily familiar. Maybe it’s the same traits, the same dynamics, or the same issues that keep arising, even though you swore you wouldn’t settle for them again. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone! Many people find themselves trapped in patterns of dating the same “type” repeatedly, and it’s often not as random as it might seem.
Why Do I Always Date the Same Type Over and Over Again?
By Dr. Anders
Understanding the Pattern
At the heart of these repeated dating patterns lies a psychological concept known as “familiarity bias.” We’re drawn to what we know, even if it’s not always healthy or ideal. This doesn’t mean you’re consciously choosing bad relationships—it just means that, on a deeper level, you may be attracted to certain traits because they feel safe or familiar. For example, if you grew up with a parent who was emotionally distant, you might unconsciously find yourself attracted to partners who exhibit similar behaviors, even though you’re consciously seeking someone more emotionally available.
These patterns often stem from past experiences, from childhood and previous relationships. Here are a few reasons why you might find yourself dating the same type:
Unresolved Emotional Baggage
Our past experiences shape how we view relationships and what we subconsciously expect from them. If you’ve been in relationships where your needs were not met—whether that was emotional neglect, inconsistency, or dysfunction—you might find yourself unknowingly attracted to people who replicate these patterns. It’s as if your mind is trying to resolve past hurts by re-creating the same scenario, in the hopes that it might turn out differently. This can lead to an endless loop of seeking out relationships that mirror your past struggles, instead of breaking free and discovering healthier dynamics.
The Need for Validation
Sometimes, we’re drawn to a certain type of person because they provide us with the validation or attention we feel we lack in other areas of our lives. For instance, you might repeatedly date someone who is emotionally unavailable because, on some level, it reinforces feelings of insecurity or worthlessness that you’re already familiar with. You might unconsciously feel that “if I can get this person to change or give me what I need, it will prove I’m worthy of love.” While this may seem like an attempt to gain control over your emotions, it often just perpetuates the cycle of seeking validation in unhealthy ways.
Comfort in the Familiar
Even if the relationships you’re attracted to aren’t ideal, they can still feel comfortable. Human beings are creatures of habit, and we tend to gravitate toward the familiar. This is why people often stay in toxic relationships or keep attracting partners who aren’t a good fit—because the familiarity of these dynamics, even if painful, feels safer than stepping into the unknown. Dating the “same type” often feels easier than challenging yourself to step outside your comfort zone and take risks on different kinds of people or relationships.
Fear of Change and Uncertainty
Making significant changes in our dating lives can be intimidating. It requires self-awareness, vulnerability, and a willingness to break away from patterns that may feel comfortable, even if they aren’t healthy. Many people avoid stepping out of these patterns because it’s easier to stay in a situation that feels predictable and familiar, even if it’s painful. Dating someone who fits a familiar mold provides a sense of predictability—no matter how dysfunctional the relationship might be.
Lack of Self-Awareness
Sometimes, we’re simply not fully aware of the patterns we’re repeating. Without self-reflection or understanding of what’s driving our choices, we can continue to make the same decisions over and over again. When we don’t take the time to understand why we’re attracted to certain traits or dynamics in a partner, we may miss the opportunity to grow and make more conscious choices moving forward. In failing to do this deeper work, we might quickly find ourselves in the same situation with a new person, we’d been eager to leave behind with our exes.
Breaking the Cycle
Recognizing that you’re caught in a dating pattern is the first step toward breaking free. Here are some ways to start shifting the cycle:
- Reflect on Past Relationships: Take time to reflect on your previous relationships. What are the common themes or traits in the people you’ve dated? Are there any patterns in their behavior that mirror your past? Understanding these patterns can help you see where you may be repeating old habits.
- Focus on Self-Love and Healing: Build a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence. When you value yourself, you’re less likely to tolerate relationships that don’t serve your highest good. Take time for self-care, therapy, and healing so you can approach future relationships with a healthier mindset.
- Challenge Your Comfort Zone: Start dating outside of your typical “type.” Even if it feels uncomfortable, challenge yourself to consider different qualities or personalities in a partner. Open your mind to the possibility that love can look different than you’ve imagined.
- Set Clear Standards: Establish what you want and need in a relationship before you enter into another one. Know your deal-breakers and non-negotiables, and don’t settle for less just because it feels familiar or comfortable.
- Seek Professional Guidance: Sometimes, breaking old patterns requires help from a therapist or counselor. If you’re struggling to break free from unhealthy relationship patterns, therapy can help uncover underlying issues and guide you toward healthier choices.
Dating the same type of person repeatedly isn’t a reflection of your worth, but rather a sign that deeper patterns are at play. Whether they stem from past experiences, emotional needs, or simply a comfort with the familiar, these cycles can be broken with self-awareness, healing, and the courage to step outside your comfort zone. By understanding why you’re drawn to certain people and taking proactive steps to change your dating habits, you can break free from these patterns and begin to attract healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.